Thursday, 15 January 2015

Pretending You Are Not There






I made you my world, my everything. Literally

I lost myself so deep in you that, when the time came for me to find me again, I was traumatised.

‘A timeout would help you out’, they said. It only emphasised the fact that I was alone. ‘Go out with someone else’, they said. Rebounding ended up not being my thing. Hate him was the thought that was continuously going through my mind, but I knew I would just be wasting my time and energy. Pretending you never existed somehow got me through this. Pretending you’re not there, prevented me from having a mental breakdown.


You disrespected me and allowed her to do the same. You used to check those females of yours when they did, but when she came along, you let her have free reins. She got comfortable. Comfortable enough to send me threats. Comfortable enough to send me notes to stay away from you. Comfortable enough to talk crap about me to people she definitely knew would let me in on what she said. And what did you do? Sat there and watched. When I asked you to check her, you just ignored me, and watched as I got disrespected over and over again. I let it go, not because I couldn’t have double checked her silly self; but because you let me down. You let me out to dry. We’ve been through way too much for you to have let her done that to me. I let it go because I would’ve become mental if I’d allowed those shenanigans get to me. I just pretended you and her both were a bad dream, a dream I was going to wake up from. I pretended you were not there, and she def didn’t get the opportunity to feature.


I’ve known you a very long time; and I’ve loved you the same. They say familiarity breeds complacency/contempt; but with us, it never has. Yes, there are those times in our ‘’Frelations

hip’’ when we never spoke, but we knew of each others' ‘dealings’ (for want of a better word). You, along the years, with your hesitant behaviour have made me develop a shield of some sort. I love you to bits when you show that you care, and I ignore the hell out of you when you decide to go MIA. I have to this- pretend you are not there, to protect my sanity; to prevent me from going mental. Because with you; even though I’ve known you for the entirety of my existence, I can never be certain. You are hot and cold, all at the same time. When you are with me, you have eyes only for me, and when you are gone, they go with you, as does your heart. I guess the saying ‘nearest is dearest’ holds true with you.


So in order to survive your swings, I have to pretend, pretend you are not here. Once you go MIA, so do my thoughts of you.


xo.

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