We are.

Me, knowing who I am, and what I do, and knowing that I have to be the best in what I do-I, generally, am a happy person; would normally prefer to be in a positive space. But as a writer, who wants to be better with each paper she writes, a negative environment does it for me. My creative juices tend to flow when I'm under some form of distress, or mood (which is not normal, nor healthy).

 So, me, being a positive person and someone who seem to not learn her lessons quick enough, got super excited when you sent me that text telling me you would be coming home for the holidays. In my mind, this post was going to be a bomb of positivity. That didn't happen. As you can see.

I have been carrying this flame(I know the original is torch, but no), for you since we were- let's just say A VERY, VERY, LONG TIME. The same amount of time I've known you to be precise. And I've you a long time. I've always shown you that I cared for you deeply( naive), and for some reason, I thought this time around, things would be different between us( stupid).

So I prepared to write a post on you; on how much I loved you from the very first day I saw you. How much you mean to me and how much you have grown up over the years. I keep telling you how much you have matured, I know, but that has been the major thing about you that has struck a cord with me. The level of your maturity. It was like I woke up one morning and my baby became a man. A very handsome and matured young man.

But, alas, as it has always been with us, we see eachother, once, when you come home, and the rest of the time, we spend texting, and 'trying' to make time for eachother, with you making plans of meeting with me( which never happens), and me reading and nodding, texting back ' I hope so' ( I really always hope so), but knowing deep down that the first time we met was actually the first and only time before its time for you to leave.

The other day, my friend asked me what I call the 'thing' between you and I, and I said 'Frelationship'. She laughed so hard. 'You guys are hysterical' was all she said.

Maybe we are, maybe we are.

One thing I realised though is, with us, we understand eachother. We are so comfortable with eachother, we can talk about everything and anything, literally. But sometimes, it gets complicated, cause we feel alot of things, but then again in that same space, we feel nothing at all. We are not typical friends and we are not emotional lovers. We are nothing and everything all at once. Which makes things very awkward, for me, in particular, most of the time.My emotions getting the better of me more times than I would ever admit to. Cause I would at one point want much more from you, but the fear of putting pressure on you brings me to my knees. Then I keep telling myself to just let it go. It's good enough to have you by my side when I need you to be. We are not a confirmed anything. 

We are just ''there''. And that, my dear, is what scares me. A . Lot


 
Xo