When You Love The Wrong One Right

I have always loved you. From the very beginning, I have always loved you. You are my first love, and you know that too. We felt the world was ours for the taking. We were friends, very good friends. We talked about everything, and about nothing. We were so besotted with each other. I honestly had never felt so chilled and super comfortable with someone, ever, as I did with you. Ours was a whirlwind teenage romance, but then it ended; with me cutting ties with you. Looking back, maybe I did fault you a little too much.

But we mended things, three years down the line. I was still carrying, for you in my heart, a flame. You always had a spot in my here (points to chest), still do. It was no wonder my BF during my Uni days, couldn’t stand the thought of you reaching out to me, to mend broken fences. Which we mended, and then some… 

I wanted things to go back to how they were, but I couldn’t bring myself to trust that things would be OK with us. Somewhere in my mind, I always had this thought that if we became an item once more, at that moment in our lives when you were all about having fun, we would only end up breaking it off after a while (paranoid much??). And since I prefer to have you around much longer than before, I kept to myself. A decision I sometimes question to this day.

But we maintained a friendship; a friendship that saw us grow. A friendship, which led me to learn so much from you. A friendship that made me get to know the man you were becoming; the man growing from the boy I have always known and loved. A friendship that always had been truthful and sincere with each other. Maybe out of familiarity, or out of respect, or maybe just because we were in that space where we automatically would just speak the truth without hesitation, but still a truthful friendship.

A friendship that lit the fire that I always carried, but which I had buried deep down in my heart; because infront of my eyes, you had become THE man, and you would always share pieces of advice with me. We would always talk about our dreams. We had/have similar dreams, albeit yours being a tad clearer than mine were, but still, we shared them. You made me aware of the fact that, I had to work harder than everybody out there; not for the money, but because my gender gets more flake cause most people think if a female makes it, it is either she slept her way to the top or because she is pretty. You made me realise that I should be able to stand in my own truth and hold my own as a woman who wants to get achieve all those dreams I got. The biggest thing I learned from you, in everything, I should put my faith and trust in Allah (swa).

You were always worried about what the future held. Whether you would make money or not; you were always saying you had to make money. Your reason ‘I want the woman that I marry to be comfortable in my house. I wouldn’t want the woman I bring to my house to ever doubt my ability to cater for my family. I also want to be comfortable enough that I can share it with my community.’ I would and still smile at this whenever I think about it. I learned so much by looking, watching, observing and listening to you. And in doing so, I knew the qualities I want the father of my children to have; Intelligence, Vision, Ambition, Kind, Humour, Patience, Honesty, but most importantly religious. You are religious. You never say a statement without ‘In Sha Allah’ or ‘Alhamdulillah’ when it is needed. Ever!

We were talking, had been talking for a while now. You knowing how I feel about you and me knowing that you had/have a girl in your life. Me, trying not to do or say anything to fuck what we had going already, so never talked about my feelings for you again, but leaving hints about my feelings for you. You never made any promises.

Then you stopped talking to me. You stopped replying to my texts, stopped chatting to me, cut all communication with me. You came back home from M.A. (you always sent me a text to let me know you were coming home) and never even bothered to say hi, which I still find very odd. Even when you saw me at the mosque the other day, you ignored me so hard I doubted my own existence. Nothing is making sense to me as of this moment, because to the best of my knowledge, I haven’t done anything to warrant this attitude. This radio silence that you are sending my way, this silence, hurts much more than the fact that you got a girl.

Because before all these feelings came, you and I were friends. I’m thinking that, maybe, just maybe, I should have been given a heads up. That maybe I should not be at the receiving end of this silence, because I deserve more. That maybe our seven/eight  years of knowing each other should count for something; or maybe I just still love the wrong one. Maybe before we came to this, I should have treated everything like it was the last time, that way, I would not be regretting how much I believed in a future with you. Then, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Because everything I find after you, would be like I found nothing.

You were never the ‘wrong’ one, but you are not the ‘right’ one either.

xo