When You Said...

I just couldn't control the tears; cause I didn't even realise when they started to stream down my face. I sent the conversation to my friend, and she, being an amazing human being, and trying to cheer me up as well, she sent me '' then we have to start operation snatch you back''. Through my tears, I started laughing, cause never have I ever thought of ''snatching'' someone from another female.. but hey, there is a first time for everything, and I really want you back. So I agreed. How did I get to this point tho?

I sent you a text, as I usually do- every two days. This time with a mixture of despair, disappointment and surprisingly, a very calm head and heart filled with such hope. I had just seen the picture of her, my heart rate doubled(you always manage to set my heart racing somehow) and I sent you the text. I never intended to ask you that question, but my fingers just suddenly grew a pair and before I knew it, you had sent me the ''lol'' text, and asking why I wanted to know. You probably misunderstood me when I said, ''I've had better days''...that wasn't one of them days tho, cause you were thanking God (it ain't bad, cause in everything, we have to give thanks). I sent you the broken heart and sad downcast emojis, telling you that my heart just crashed into a gazillion pieces. You replied with an apology. I ended the conversation there.

I felt sad for myself, and for the fact that I continue to hold this flame for you when you have obviously moved on to someone new. My friends, knowing how fast I can be to take decisions, told me to not give up on you. I should just have faith, you might just be pulling my leg to see how I'd react. One said you and I have been through way too much and have come way too far for me to just give up on you. It is also for this same reason that I actually believed you when you told me she was your girl; cause I know you'd never lie to me without a reason, especially when it comes to females- 'specially cause we been through way too much everything to continue lying  to each other. But they being my friends, I just allowed them tho think I'm on board this plan of 'snatching ' you back for me- I still find it hilarious but hey... we get bored, and since we can't throw a party, we do something idiotic.

At this point, I am starting to feel very sad for my really sad self. How do I claim something that no longer belongs to me, what right do I have to want to try and mess up your situation (the fact that I refuse to label what you have with her is me trying to not accept it...boohoo), what am I thinking asking for my cake, after haven eaten it. It doesn't even matter that I loved you, or that I still do, the mere fact that you were bold enough to tell me that she was something to you, should make me respect your wish, but alas, sometimes I wish you never met her... or we never parted.

Of course, I will still have a place for you in my very very very broken and empty heart, but I definitely won't be a part of your break up. Because I love you way too much to want to hurt you, and because I won't be able to live with that knowledge, and having a clear conscience, is way too important to me than having you with a troubled mind. 

No, I'm not giving up on you, I'm just saving me some heartache.


xo