SCORPIO SZN

When I wrote this post initially, it had a dark tone to it. Then while praying Nafl, I had an epiphany!

Don’t get me wrong, in the first post, I explicitly stated my gratitude; especially, where I find myself now. However, during my Nafl prayers, I realised that, yes, I may state gratitude, but do I internalise how good I have it? No matter how small the good may feel in the pool of negativity that has shrouded my life (I think?!), it is still some form of good!

Turning thirty is really doing a number on me… After all, being the firstborn of my parents comes with its responsibilities, but the first-born daughter, comes with extra expectations, which have been drummed into my ears a million times!

Marriage!

If you are from an African home, you’d understand what I mean.

But like I tell my mother, if marriage has been written in my Qadr (destiny), it will happen. If it is not, then she has to learn to live with the notion that I’m never getting married. My best friend keeps asking how I’m still alive after telling her this.

This post is for me to lift me up. To show me that no matter how dark some days may be, and feel; no matter the mental stress I have to handle on a daily basis, the fact that I survived means I’m meant to be here; that everything is going to be fine, and thus I should be proud of everything I’ve achieved. However minute!

See, I’m not someone who celebrates her wins (the only time I allowed myself to truly dwell on a big win was the day I defended my Masters' dissertation, and passed! I still think of that day), I’m always on to the next thing. I have a fear of being in the moment. Most of the time, I feel like I don’t deserve nice things. I have major imposter syndrome. I always have to check myself, and mentally talk me out of having an anxiety attack every time something good happens to me, or I do something incredible.

First off, I work in the private sector with a non-governmental organisation. I’m a project officer in charge of two districts. When I applied for this job, I’d never worked in an NGO before, I didn’t have the experience. However, the director of the organisation gave me a chance because he believed in me and my capabilities. It doesn’t hurt that he, at the moment, is a Ph.D. candidate in the same department as I was, when I was doing my Masters’ program, and he’d sat in for a number of my presentations. I guess he was impressed. However, when I got the call that I got the job, I doubted myself. I mean for good reason- no experience- but like I said, my director saw something in me. I didn’t celebrate that win. I didn’t know how.

When I finished my undergraduate degree, I got a job to work at a radio station, after my national service. I hunted for a job for months before I got the radio gig. I remember a friend of mine asking why no one in my family is helping me get a job, I had family members with ‘connection’. One even helped him get into the military academy. Today he is a captain in the army. I got the radio gig because the manager of the station liked how I speak…lol. He said I had a radio voice! Ha-ha. It didn’t hurt that I write as well. He gave me the job as an intern. I would sit in with the full-time presenters of the station, give my opinion, do the entertainment news, and write for the station’s website. After two or three months, I was given a slot on Sundays to play gospel music, and country music from 7am to 12pm. Although the pay wasn’t regular, it was a job that I had gone out to get for myself. However, I didn’t celebrate this win too.

I was at the station for almost a year, until an incident happened that made me feel unsafe; due to how the management of that station handled it. But that is for another day.

I got a teaching job at a private senior high school as an English teacher. Mind you, the only teaching experience I had at this point was from my national service time. The owner of the school played football with my dad when they were young, so he offered me a job at his school. I took it. I learnt a lot from teaching there. It was here that discovered my love for teaching higher-level institutions. It was also here that I knew I wanted to do a Ph.D., so I applied for and got admission to start a Masters' program.

See, in all the six years after my national service, there’s never been a time where I’d gone a whole year without a job, and when I internalise that, I am super grateful. Regardless of whether I feel that I deserved those opportunities to gain experience, or not, I am grateful.

Also, among all these jobs, my favourite was working at the radio station. I felt my utmost self during that period.

So, as I enter my thirties’, I know the marriage song will continue to be sung, but marriage isn’t my entire being. It is important for a Muslim to be married, yes, but like I said, if it wasn’t meant to be, it won’t.

That said, I’m just going to ride the waves. I’m getting back into my writing groove; I’m going to remember to enjoy what I worked hard for. I’m going to celebrate the little wins, and be conscious of the fact that everything I have, I worked hard for. I earned.

Happy birthday to me!