SCORPIO SZN

When I wrote this post initially, it had a dark tone to it. Then while praying Nafl, I had an epiphany!

Don’t get me wrong, in the first post, I explicitly stated my gratitude; especially, where I find myself now. However, during my Nafl prayers, I realised that, yes, I may state gratitude, but do I internalise how good I have it? No matter how small the good may feel in the pool of negativity that has shrouded my life (I think?!), it is still some form of good!

Turning thirty is really doing a number on me… After all, being the firstborn of my parents comes with its responsibilities, but the first-born daughter, comes with extra expectations, which have been drummed into my ears a million times!

Marriage!

If you are from an African home, you’d understand what I mean.

But like I tell my mother, if marriage has been written in my Qadr (destiny), it will happen. If it is not, then she has to learn to live with the notion that I’m never getting married. My best friend keeps asking how I’m still alive after telling her this.

This post is for me to lift me up. To show me that no matter how dark some days may be, and feel; no matter the mental stress I have to handle on a daily basis, the fact that I survived means I’m meant to be here; that everything is going to be fine, and thus I should be proud of everything I’ve achieved. However minute!

See, I’m not someone who celebrates her wins (the only time I allowed myself to truly dwell on a big win was the day I defended my Masters' dissertation, and passed! I still think of that day), I’m always on to the next thing. I have a fear of being in the moment. Most of the time, I feel like I don’t deserve nice things. I have major imposter syndrome. I always have to check myself, and mentally talk me out of having an anxiety attack every time something good happens to me, or I do something incredible.

First off, I work in the private sector with a non-governmental organisation. I’m a project officer in charge of two districts. When I applied for this job, I’d never worked in an NGO before, I didn’t have the experience. However, the director of the organisation gave me a chance because he believed in me and my capabilities. It doesn’t hurt that he, at the moment, is a Ph.D. candidate in the same department as I was, when I was doing my Masters’ program, and he’d sat in for a number of my presentations. I guess he was impressed. However, when I got the call that I got the job, I doubted myself. I mean for good reason- no experience- but like I said, my director saw something in me. I didn’t celebrate that win. I didn’t know how.

When I finished my undergraduate degree, I got a job to work at a radio station, after my national service. I hunted for a job for months before I got the radio gig. I remember a friend of mine asking why no one in my family is helping me get a job, I had family members with ‘connection’. One even helped him get into the military academy. Today he is a captain in the army. I got the radio gig because the manager of the station liked how I speak…lol. He said I had a radio voice! Ha-ha. It didn’t hurt that I write as well. He gave me the job as an intern. I would sit in with the full-time presenters of the station, give my opinion, do the entertainment news, and write for the station’s website. After two or three months, I was given a slot on Sundays to play gospel music, and country music from 7am to 12pm. Although the pay wasn’t regular, it was a job that I had gone out to get for myself. However, I didn’t celebrate this win too.

I was at the station for almost a year, until an incident happened that made me feel unsafe; due to how the management of that station handled it. But that is for another day.

I got a teaching job at a private senior high school as an English teacher. Mind you, the only teaching experience I had at this point was from my national service time. The owner of the school played football with my dad when they were young, so he offered me a job at his school. I took it. I learnt a lot from teaching there. It was here that discovered my love for teaching higher-level institutions. It was also here that I knew I wanted to do a Ph.D., so I applied for and got admission to start a Masters' program.

See, in all the six years after my national service, there’s never been a time where I’d gone a whole year without a job, and when I internalise that, I am super grateful. Regardless of whether I feel that I deserved those opportunities to gain experience, or not, I am grateful.

Also, among all these jobs, my favourite was working at the radio station. I felt my utmost self during that period.

So, as I enter my thirties’, I know the marriage song will continue to be sung, but marriage isn’t my entire being. It is important for a Muslim to be married, yes, but like I said, if it wasn’t meant to be, it won’t.

That said, I’m just going to ride the waves. I’m getting back into my writing groove; I’m going to remember to enjoy what I worked hard for. I’m going to celebrate the little wins, and be conscious of the fact that everything I have, I worked hard for. I earned.

Happy birthday to me!

When You Love The Wrong One Right

I have always loved you. From the very beginning, I have always loved you. You are my first love, and you know that too. We felt the world was ours for the taking. We were friends, very good friends. We talked about everything, and about nothing. We were so besotted with each other. I honestly had never felt so chilled and super comfortable with someone, ever, as I did with you. Ours was a whirlwind teenage romance, but then it ended; with me cutting ties with you. Looking back, maybe I did fault you a little too much.

But we mended things, three years down the line. I was still carrying, for you in my heart, a flame. You always had a spot in my here (points to chest), still do. It was no wonder my BF during my Uni days, couldn’t stand the thought of you reaching out to me, to mend broken fences. Which we mended, and then some… 

I wanted things to go back to how they were, but I couldn’t bring myself to trust that things would be OK with us. Somewhere in my mind, I always had this thought that if we became an item once more, at that moment in our lives when you were all about having fun, we would only end up breaking it off after a while (paranoid much??). And since I prefer to have you around much longer than before, I kept to myself. A decision I sometimes question to this day.

But we maintained a friendship; a friendship that saw us grow. A friendship, which led me to learn so much from you. A friendship that made me get to know the man you were becoming; the man growing from the boy I have always known and loved. A friendship that always had been truthful and sincere with each other. Maybe out of familiarity, or out of respect, or maybe just because we were in that space where we automatically would just speak the truth without hesitation, but still a truthful friendship.

A friendship that lit the fire that I always carried, but which I had buried deep down in my heart; because infront of my eyes, you had become THE man, and you would always share pieces of advice with me. We would always talk about our dreams. We had/have similar dreams, albeit yours being a tad clearer than mine were, but still, we shared them. You made me aware of the fact that, I had to work harder than everybody out there; not for the money, but because my gender gets more flake cause most people think if a female makes it, it is either she slept her way to the top or because she is pretty. You made me realise that I should be able to stand in my own truth and hold my own as a woman who wants to get achieve all those dreams I got. The biggest thing I learned from you, in everything, I should put my faith and trust in Allah (swa).

You were always worried about what the future held. Whether you would make money or not; you were always saying you had to make money. Your reason ‘I want the woman that I marry to be comfortable in my house. I wouldn’t want the woman I bring to my house to ever doubt my ability to cater for my family. I also want to be comfortable enough that I can share it with my community.’ I would and still smile at this whenever I think about it. I learned so much by looking, watching, observing and listening to you. And in doing so, I knew the qualities I want the father of my children to have; Intelligence, Vision, Ambition, Kind, Humour, Patience, Honesty, but most importantly religious. You are religious. You never say a statement without ‘In Sha Allah’ or ‘Alhamdulillah’ when it is needed. Ever!

We were talking, had been talking for a while now. You knowing how I feel about you and me knowing that you had/have a girl in your life. Me, trying not to do or say anything to fuck what we had going already, so never talked about my feelings for you again, but leaving hints about my feelings for you. You never made any promises.

Then you stopped talking to me. You stopped replying to my texts, stopped chatting to me, cut all communication with me. You came back home from M.A. (you always sent me a text to let me know you were coming home) and never even bothered to say hi, which I still find very odd. Even when you saw me at the mosque the other day, you ignored me so hard I doubted my own existence. Nothing is making sense to me as of this moment, because to the best of my knowledge, I haven’t done anything to warrant this attitude. This radio silence that you are sending my way, this silence, hurts much more than the fact that you got a girl.

Because before all these feelings came, you and I were friends. I’m thinking that, maybe, just maybe, I should have been given a heads up. That maybe I should not be at the receiving end of this silence, because I deserve more. That maybe our seven/eight  years of knowing each other should count for something; or maybe I just still love the wrong one. Maybe before we came to this, I should have treated everything like it was the last time, that way, I would not be regretting how much I believed in a future with you. Then, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Because everything I find after you, would be like I found nothing.

You were never the ‘wrong’ one, but you are not the ‘right’ one either.

xo

Friends With Benefits And Why I Don't Do Them

I was having a conversation with my male friends and for some reason, we started to talk about Friends With Benefits. Of course, they all turned on me asking if I would get involved in such a situation; I said no, they all just collectively asked why...and I told them that, the rules that come with Friends With Benefits (FWBs) are not going to do me any good, since I catch feelings easily, and I can't be going through all all that mess.

That conversation got me thinking about how we have changed as a people in our train of thoughts. How it has become so easy for us to want to have sex with our friends, and still be friends with them without any strings attached, nothing whatsoever.
For those of you who do not know what FWBs is, it is the situation where two people (friends) of the both sexes agree to have sex without any strings attached, no commitments whatsoever, and still see themselves as friends.
Why I do not do Friends With Benefits;

1. I care way too much, way too easily
I wear my heart on my sleeves and as such easily get hurt by people (my cousin says I should toughen up...whatever that means), and by now we all know that a FWBs requires that you have a heart made of steel, basically.

2. Jealousy
On a scale from one to ten, my jealousy level is at a 9.5. So no, I can't be in a FWBs type of situation. I'll be out there snatching wigs and weaves before I know it myself, just putting it out there. 

3. I WILL love you at some point
Eventually, am gon wake up one morning and you would be on my mind. I will want to know what you will be having for breakfast, lunch, and supper. I will daydream about our wedding, and our house, and our children. At some point I will fall madly in love with you, which will lead to a heart break ( not about that life)

4.  Rules! Rules!! Rules!!!
All the rules that come with being in FWBs, I can't follow. I am naturally a rule breaker...the idea of rules make me just want to break them, you know, just to see what will happen...the consequences. So all the rules in FWBs will not do much for me since it will just eventually lead to aches in a part of my system I'm still tryna fix.  So no thanks!

5. Friendships.
I value my friendships way too much to want to jeopardise them over a few shags and moreover, should it not work out, I can't be the one having to start new friendships again (cos ain't nobody got time for that). Obviously, we would be having the same friends, and since I won't be able to stand being around you, naa, I'm good. 

Lets just stay friends. No drama , No worries, No heartache!

Would you do Friends With Benefits?

xo

Much More Than Just A Pretty Face

When the subject of beauty is broached, mostly what comes to mind is the physical attributes of a person. And that is understandable. It is what is meant in the first place. It is rare to hear someone attribute beauty to anything other than physical features. That though, shouldn’t always be the case.

In the first place; what is beauty?

Who is beautiful?

What are the requirements to being labeled beautiful?

Does beauty have to be about physical features only?

What about personalities?

What about character?

In the society that we live in, all these are often seen as tiresome, non important questions. When our grandparents were growing up, they knew and experienced what real beauty is/was; both physical and otherwise. To them, beauty was in how you carried yourself as a female, how you catered to a house; whether you could make a house a home. It was in the way you spoke,in the way you carried yourself, in how you were brought up and how you will bring your own children up.

Beauty was in the way you smiled, in the way you interacted with other people, even in the way other people saw you and talked about you, in your shyness, how demure you are. Yes, of course, physical beauty was considered, but that wasn’t the main quality back then; character and personality were more important.

These days though, our generation, we are much more interested in the physical feature; who is more beautiful, how many 'double taps' or 'hearts' did she get on that picture on the 'gram, how many guys approach her when she steps out of her house. Our generation is much more interested in the amount of make-up you wear or the filter that makes you look more appealing. We judge you based on your physical appearance. This shouldn’t be so.

Society, has over the years, set some expectations for us, especially females, on how we should look, which is used as yardstick to measure one’s beauty.Of course, they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, but what if the beholder has decided to change the rules now? The beholder is no longer using their eyes, but listening to what the society is dictating as whats beautiful. 

Conventional looks are no longer appreciated. A naturally beautiful girl, without any amount of make-up or decorations happening on her face, is no longer seen as the girl of your dreams. The status quo is changed. To be the 'it girl'; that one girl that everyone would stand up to see, you have to be wearing pounds of make up on your face, your eyebrows must be on 'fleek', your lipstick should be perfectly drawn,as should your eye liner, your face should be contoured and highlighted so much that, your mother who gave birth to you, would not recognise you should she meet you somewhere. That is the way of the world today.

But how did we get here, though? How have we fallen so deep down the rabbit hole that we do not see anything wrong with 13-14 year olds uploading pictures of their faces, beat to the gods on to social media, and grown men liking them pictures. How low is our self esteem that we believe the only way we can achieve everything in our daily lives, is if we walk around with porcelain and flawless face; cause no one wants to deal with a face that has a natural look to it.

I have never been a make up person (though I live for a good tube of lipstick), I have never felt the pressure to contour or highlight my cheekbones to look like I was sculptured by Michelangelo. Maybe because growing up, I had this innate feeling that I was beautiful, and so didn't need to wear a ton of chemicals on my face to make me look anymore appealing to any other person, or satisfy the misogynistic urges of man.

I feel like most of these young, and old women who wear so much make up, are trying to makeup (pun intended) for their low self esteem, maybe they do not think of themselves as beautiful enough, and societal expectations not helping matters, they tend to depend on 'painting' their faces to look, or/ and feel more pretty, but of course I digress.

I have nothing against females wearing make up, don't get me wrong. If wearing it makes you happy, boo, do you. It's all good, but do it for you, not because the society dictates it, not because  the boyfriend wants to show you off to his other male friends so that he will be counted as one of them guys with the prettiest girls, and certainly not because that is where your self esteem comes from. If the world can't accept you for you, then you are better off without them.

You are much more than just a pretty face.

xo

On Being The First Born

I am the first of five children. How God made me the first born, is only know to Him. Being the first born in your family exerts all sorts of pressure on you, whether it's wanted or not. Whether you like it or yes, you have to deal with it. I never wanted to be the first born, no freaking way, but I am, and I have got to suck it up, and live to 'expectations'. Yes, I hate hate that word- expectations. I'm getting all sorts of panic attacks just typing it out.

In our society, once a person comes out of their mother's womb as the first child, and your parents are blessed with other children after you, your work is cut out for you. If you are a single child then of course, this ain't for you. This is my ode to first borns' out there. I know you all are doing what is expected of you and denying yourself those things that you may/ or may not need. For those of you that don't know, let me lay it out for you:

As the first born, with siblings behind you, a lot of the things that you do, you ALWAYS have to factor in what I call the 'rippling effect'. What I mean by this is, whatever choices or decisions you make, you should be aware of the fact that your siblings are looking up to you, and they would definitely emulate what you do. Regardless they say you should do what makes you happy, as a first born, you are excluded from that. Of course, sometimes you have to say 'f*k it, imma do me' just to feel a little bit alive, but if you know what you are about, or what you wish for yourself ,and your family, you would still reconsider the rippling effect.

As a first-born, you are expected(again, panicking over here), to set the best examples possible for the young ones behind you. Which goes without saying , it's a lot of pressure to deal with.

The fact that we get blamed for every little thing that goes wrong in your house is another shtick that we have to deal with. You get blamed for what your young ones do, not fair right? 

Automatically, you become the parent once your parents are not home. You have to make split decisions, if you have trouble-making siblings like the one that's in my house; always causing me headaches and hoarse voice. You have to make sure that they eat, bathe, and go to sleep at the times they are supposed to.

When it comes to academics, you have to pave the way. In African households, it is believed that if the first born is successful in school, automatically, the others following would be motivated to give their all, so as not to be the 'dumb' one. Talk about pressure!

When you are the first born, and a female at the same time, boy is your work cut out for you. A female has more 'restrictions' when it comes to being the first child of her family. She has to be more composed, more humble, more respectful, more soft spoken. She has to be able to do most, if not all household chores by a particular age. She has to set 'morally right examples' for her other siblings, especially if there are other females following her. In an African household, a female first born has to be able to cook, clean, and keep a house before she hits puberty, or just after puberty, if not, you would not in anyway be considered a woman; your parents wouldn't even allow you to get to that point when you would be a 'disgrace' to them shaa.

Not that its easy for the male first borns either, not trying to take anything away from them, no. But comparing, society is more lenient on them when it comes to so many things; the excuse being, they are boys, and boys will continue to be boys.

A first born is expected to be a perfectionist, based on the assumption that your parents took time to groom you and teach you whats right and whats not. Sometimes, we do disappoint though, we do.

Being responsible(very very relative here) is something that is expected of off you as a first born. 

But, we do have our moments. Like when you are allowed to choose the presents first; you get to pick the biggest.

Also, you have your own comedy actors to spice up your day once you get bored(I just call my younger brother, who is in 6th grade and listen to him talk, that young man is very funny, and intelligent, sometimes a little coocoo).

But most importantly, you get to experience the feeling of pure undulating love that no one can describe. The bond that is created between siblings transcends every other love, except a mother's love, of course. I love being a first born, regardless, of the number of times I 'URGH' or scream or give my siblings 'the look of death', I still love being their big sister!


xo

When You Said...

I just couldn't control the tears; cause I didn't even realise when they started to stream down my face. I sent the conversation to my friend, and she, being an amazing human being, and trying to cheer me up as well, she sent me '' then we have to start operation snatch you back''. Through my tears, I started laughing, cause never have I ever thought of ''snatching'' someone from another female.. but hey, there is a first time for everything, and I really want you back. So I agreed. How did I get to this point tho?

I sent you a text, as I usually do- every two days. This time with a mixture of despair, disappointment and surprisingly, a very calm head and heart filled with such hope. I had just seen the picture of her, my heart rate doubled(you always manage to set my heart racing somehow) and I sent you the text. I never intended to ask you that question, but my fingers just suddenly grew a pair and before I knew it, you had sent me the ''lol'' text, and asking why I wanted to know. You probably misunderstood me when I said, ''I've had better days''...that wasn't one of them days tho, cause you were thanking God (it ain't bad, cause in everything, we have to give thanks). I sent you the broken heart and sad downcast emojis, telling you that my heart just crashed into a gazillion pieces. You replied with an apology. I ended the conversation there.

I felt sad for myself, and for the fact that I continue to hold this flame for you when you have obviously moved on to someone new. My friends, knowing how fast I can be to take decisions, told me to not give up on you. I should just have faith, you might just be pulling my leg to see how I'd react. One said you and I have been through way too much and have come way too far for me to just give up on you. It is also for this same reason that I actually believed you when you told me she was your girl; cause I know you'd never lie to me without a reason, especially when it comes to females- 'specially cause we been through way too much everything to continue lying  to each other. But they being my friends, I just allowed them tho think I'm on board this plan of 'snatching ' you back for me- I still find it hilarious but hey... we get bored, and since we can't throw a party, we do something idiotic.

At this point, I am starting to feel very sad for my really sad self. How do I claim something that no longer belongs to me, what right do I have to want to try and mess up your situation (the fact that I refuse to label what you have with her is me trying to not accept it...boohoo), what am I thinking asking for my cake, after haven eaten it. It doesn't even matter that I loved you, or that I still do, the mere fact that you were bold enough to tell me that she was something to you, should make me respect your wish, but alas, sometimes I wish you never met her... or we never parted.

Of course, I will still have a place for you in my very very very broken and empty heart, but I definitely won't be a part of your break up. Because I love you way too much to want to hurt you, and because I won't be able to live with that knowledge, and having a clear conscience, is way too important to me than having you with a troubled mind. 

No, I'm not giving up on you, I'm just saving me some heartache.


xo

A Letter to You, Using Lines from Different Songs.

From the first time, ever, I saw your face. I knew we were meant for each other. You blew me away. I saw walking, down the street with your boys the other day. I wanted to talk to you but I was shy. I didn’t want to be that girl.

 

My mind runs away to you with a thought I hope you see. I’m waiting patiently, though time is moving slow. You never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain, or how it feels to fall behind, and watch you call her name. Can’t keep this beating heart at bay, I will give you everything, just leave your lover, leave her for me.

Come take my hand, I won’t let you go. I’ll be your friend; I will love you so deeply. Kiss you at night. You will be the place I call home. I will be here when the storm rises up, every day, without end. Baby, that’s what I’ll do, when I’m by your side.

I must be crazy now, maybe I dream too much; but when I think of you, I wish I could go back to the day I saw you, should have made my move when you looked in my eye. Ma kuma b) me bang bang bang, mi fr3 wo, anaa s3 me gyai wo ma wo k) na mi k) suuu, baby.

Does she do it for you? When you finished, does she adore you? It’s alright, cause when you mine, I’ll be generous; you are irreplaceable, a collectible. You can’t keep your hands off of me. I’m doing this little dance for you. You should know that your love is always on my mind. I can’t deny it. I’m not gonna fight it.

Sometimes, I wake up crying in the middle of the night , when I think of how long it took to find you, and now that I have, I’m never letting you go. Nothing can ever separate us; we know where we belong. I found the sweetest of all things. Some people thing that the physical things define what’s within. Some people want diamond rings, and some want everything. But everything means nothing; if I ain’t got you.

Di3 wo ma kuma mu nyina ni s3 I do love you. Forever, and for always, until the end of time, I will always love you.

Love always,

Red Haired Gurrl

Xo

Wanting You.

They say you are your own worst enemy, and I guess that's true with all the self sabotaging I've been meting out to myself.

Over the past days, your thoughts have dominated my every thinking. I would think of you and feel this immense joy at having met you and having known you for as long as I have. I would think of all the fun that we've had, and what we've been through. The ups and downs. Everything.

I know ours hasn't been the smoothest of roads, yes, there was a time we barely spoke( I think for 2 years) eventhough we saw each other from a distance(not from lack of trying to avoid you on my part).

But we are reconnected now, and I'm here hoping and praying that things are better this time around. That what we had those years ago would atone for something, will serve as a stepping stone for us to build something stoic and purposeful. Something more beautiful. Something that lasts for eternity.

Most times, I catch myself smiling; remembering things we used to do and say, and I catch myself wanting all of that back, and then some.

Of course, there's all that thought that creeps up on me, when I least expect, asking the very obvious question ''What if he has someone else? What you gon do?''. Honestly,I have not been able to answer that, and I'm sacred to even think of thinking of an answer.
Then all these go to mess my mood, and I'm left with more questions than I'd even admit to having.

And I'm scared to ask you, cause you might just say there is someone else. And that, my lovely sweet is what I dread the most.

xo

Pretending You Are Not There

I made you my world, my everything. Literally

I lost myself so deep in you that, when the time came for me to find me again, I was traumatised.

‘A timeout would help you out’, they said. It only emphasised the fact that I was alone. ‘Go out with someone else’, they said. Rebounding ended up not being my thing. Hate him was the thought that was continuously going through my mind, but I knew I would just be wasting my time and energy. Pretending you never existed somehow got me through this. Pretending you’re not there, prevented me from having a mental breakdown.

You disrespected me and allowed her to do the same. You used to check those females of yours when they did, but when she came along, you let her have free reins. She got comfortable. Comfortable enough to send me threats. Comfortable enough to send me notes to stay away from you. Comfortable enough to talk crap about me to people she definitely knew would let me in on what she said. And what did you do? Sat there and watched. When I asked you to check her, you just ignored me, and watched as I got disrespected over and over again. I let it go, not because I couldn’t have double checked her silly self; but because you let me down. You let me out to dry. We’ve been through way too much for you to have let her done that to me. I let it go because I would’ve become mental if I’d allowed those shenanigans get to me. I just pretended you and her both were a bad dream, a dream I was going to wake up from. I pretended you were not there, and she def didn’t get the opportunity to feature.

I’ve known you a very long time; and I’ve loved you the same. They say familiarity breeds complacency/contempt; but with us, it never has. Yes, there are those times in our ‘’Frelations

hip’’ when we never spoke, but we knew of each others' ‘dealings’ (for want of a better word). You, along the years, with your hesitant behaviour have made me develop a shield of some sort. I love you to bits when you show that you care, and I ignore the hell out of you when you decide to go MIA. I have to this- pretend you are not there, to protect my sanity; to prevent me from going mental. Because with you; even though I’ve known you for the entirety of my existence, I can never be certain. You are hot and cold, all at the same time. When you are with me, you have eyes only for me, and when you are gone, they go with you, as does your heart. I guess the saying ‘nearest is dearest’ holds true with you.

So in order to survive your swings, I have to pretend, pretend you are not here. Once you go MIA, so do my thoughts of you.

xo.